See, here's the thing

A lot of people in the world date more than one person in their life.  A lot of people in the world fall in love with more than one person in their life.  A lot of people share in mutual love with more than one person in their life.  A lot of people break up with or are dumped by more than one person in their life.

Because of this common experience, people assume if you’ve had love and it’s been taken from you, well, tough nuts to you.  So has everyone.  And everyone moves on and everyone finds someone new and tries again and it all works out eventually.

People act like being hung up on one person makes you weak or stupid, or that it’s just a phase and you’re gonna move on.  They tell you that you can never really live the life you’re meant to live if you’re always missing someone from your past, if you don’t look at other possibilities of someone to love.

But see, here’s the thing.

I have one person.

one.

He is the only one I have ever loved.  The only one I have ever dated.  The only one I have ever fallen head over heels for.  The only one who kissed me like he meant it.  The only one who gave me his heart.  The only one who took all of mine.  The only one who knows me inside and out, better than I know myself.  The only one…I will ever love.

The only one.

Some people only fall in love once.  I’m one of those people.

So go ahead, tell me it’ll all change in time.  Throw your life experience in my face and say, “see??  see??  I thought my first boyfriend was the one, and that I could never love again, but LOOK!  I found someone better!  I loved again!”

Good for you.  I’m very happy for you.

But what you don’t understand is that’s not going to happen for me.  I’m never going to love anyone else.  I fell in love once.  I had one shot.  The deed is done.

And you know what?

Even though not having that love anymore hurts like hell every single day, I’m okay with the fact that he’s my one and only.  He’s brought me more joy in the time I’ve known him, even during the time we’ve been apart, than anyone in the world ever could in a lifetime.

So don’t pity me.  Don’t tell me to move on.  Don’t tell me I’m in denial and I’m wasting my life.

My life has never been put to better use.  Not ever.

So please let me love the greatest person I have ever known.  Even if he doesn’t love me back.

Help, I have done it again

Old habits die hard.  But I forgot how good this feels.  How it takes away the internal pain.  It numbs my insides, so that I don't have to feel anything.  Just dead.  And feeling dead is easier than feeling that much pain.

I don't want to feel anything anymore.

Ever.

#nomorepain

What he couldn't say

You know I'm not one to break promises,
I don't want to hurt you but I need to breathe.
At the end of it all, you're still my best friend,
But there's something inside that I need to release.
Which way is right, which way is wrong,
How do I say that I need to move on?
You know we're heading separate ways.

And it feels like I am just too close to love you,
There's nothing I can really say.
I can't lie no more, I can't hide no more,
Got to be true to myself.
And it feels like I am just too close to love you,
So I'll be on my way.

You've given me more than I can return,
Yet there's oh so much that you deserve.
There's nothing to say, nothing to do.
I've nothing to give,
I must live without you.
You know we're heading separate ways.

And it feels like I am just too close to love you,
There's nothing I can really say.
I can't lie no more, I can't hide no more,
Got to be true to myself.
And it feels like I am just too close to love you,
So I'll be on my way.

So I'll be on my way.

And it feels like I am just too close to love you,
There's nothing that I can really say.
I can't lie no more, I can't hide no more,
Got to be true to myself.
And it feels like I am just too close to love you,
So I'll be on my way.

So I'll be on my way.
So I'll be on my way.

I was listening to this song the other day, and I realized...this is exactly what Tim was trying to articulate when he broke up with me.  That doesn't mean it's the end.  But right now in his life...this is how he feels.

Somehow, this song encourages me.  Just knowing that this is how he feels.  I can handle it.

I can't really describe it.  But it makes sense to me.

#littlethingsthathelp

Need to be honest about something

Okay, so this has been bothering me for awhile.

I have this friend, this really great, amazing friend, that I love and that I would totally take a bullet for without a second thought.  I've done my best to always be there for her, to listen and respond, and to stick up for her to her stupid-ass, loser boyfriend that threw her heart on the ground and treated her like dirt.  I've done my best to be a good friend, in every way that I know how.

She never calls me one of her "best friends."  She acts like she loves me so much, but she never seems to want to say that anywhere publicly.  It's like, I'm a back-up friend to her.

And now...now she's hanging out with a guy who screwed me over.  She knows everything that happened between him and me.  She knows what a complete and total DOUCHE he is.  And trust me, he has NOT changed in the past year and a half.  But she's buddying up to him, acting like he's the great guy, and one of her closest friends.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME.

I don't understand what kind of "friend" does that.  I mean, I can't tell her who she can and can't be friends with.  I can't forbid her from hanging out with him.

But honestly, if I was in her shoes, I would NEVER hang out with this dude.  On the contrary, I'd punch him in his motherfucking tiny nuts.

I love her so much.  But what she's doing is really hurting me.  And I don't know how to tell her.  I don't know how to express my frustration.  I don't want her to feel like I'm being controlling or ungrateful or bitchy.

But that asshole fucked me up, to the point of me almost committing suicide.

Forgive me if I have a little trouble with someone I consider to be my close friend being nice to him.

This is bullshit.  And I'm pissed and hurt.

Goddamn.

#fuckmylife

Alright, so that didn't work out so well...

So, if you'll notice my last post, I was really craving dirty things.

Well, I tried some of that.  SUUUUUPER bad idea.

Got tipsy, made out with some guy I'd just met, let him get to second base with me.  Dumbest shit I've done in awhile.

I mean, it could have been worse.  I could have let him take my pants off.  I did not.  My pants stayed on, as well as all of his clothes.

Or, as Tim pointed out, I could have been raped, or killed, or sold into the sex trade.  I'd never met this guy before, and although I did ask people who knew him pretty well about his reputation, I still went to his off campus apartment alone and no one knew his address.  He could have rufied my drink and then god only knows what could have happened if he'd been a different kind of person.

As it was, he was a perv for assuming that kind of behavior was gonna happen that night. I'm a Bible college student, for crying out loud.

I'm still to blame, though.  I can't pin it all on that guy.  I was an idiot.  I should never have gone to his house.  I should never have had those couple of vodka sodas.  I should never have let him put his hands all over me.

Earlier that night, Tim and I had had a fight.  Like, a REALLY bad fight.  Super ugly, nasty, mean, regrettable fight.  About NOTHING.  It was stupid.  We're both idiots.  God.

But I was SO upset.  I wanted to loosen up.  The alcohol did help with that for a little while.  But then Gropey McHornyson decided he wanted to loosen me up further, and well, that was stupid.

This guy wasn't even good at it.  Like, he was worse than the first guy I ever fooled around with.  I couldn't decide if he was kissing me like a bird or a fish. O.o

Suffice it to say, I had to keep my eyes tight shut through the entire thing.

And you know what's the saddest part?

Through it all, all I could see was Tim's face.  I craved HIS touch, HIS kiss, HIS love.

See, what I've been missing, and what I thought I needed from someone else, was that physical connection Tim and I shared.

So even though this creepy dude SUCKED at everything he did to me, it felt kinda good.

It just didn't feel right.

I don't need that physical stuff.  Sometimes I feel like I do, because I miss Tim so much.  But I don't want to ruin the memory of him and me by fucking it all up with some loser I don't even know.

I felt so empty after Aspen (first guy I fooled around with before Tim).  It took a LONG ass time for me to feel better again after him.  I don't want to be stupid and do that ever again.

Alright, lessons learned?  I think so.

Also, when Tim gets some extra cash, he insists on buying me a rape whistle.  ;)  LAWL.

#nomorestupidshitcolleen

Honestly

Honestly, right now...

I just want to get wasted.

I just want to get high.

I just want to make out and have sex with someone hot.

I just want someone to tell me how sexy I am and all the dirty things they want to do to me, even if they leave in the morning and never love me.

I just want to be bad.

Pretty content with life for now

You know what?  Life is pretty great.  It really is.

That doesn't mean I don't miss the past.  That doesn't mean I don't cry and hurt from having to let those memories go.  That doesn't mean I'm always happy, or that I'm always okay.  I don't always even have the attitude I'm writing with in this post.

But some days are great.  Some days have hidden joys in them, that distract me from the pain and make me smile.

I'm not over Tim.  I will never be over Tim.  You never get over your first love, and you never stop wanting him back.

If he asked me, I'd come back to him in a heartbeat.  I'd marry him in the blink of an eye.  I'd die for him.  That fact will NEVER change.

I will never feel like I'm "better off without him" or like I can just "move on."

But I can figure out how to live on my own for awhile.  I can figure out how to look for happiness whenever and wherever I can.

Don't tell me to forget him.  Don't tell me to stop talking to him.  Just like our relationship wasn't like any regular relationship, our breakup wasn't like any regular breakup either.  Don't you tell me how to deal with this, because YOU DON'T KNOW.

But I'm telling you here...I'm learning how to deal with this.  I'm learning how to smile sometimes.  I'm learning how to cry a little less often, be depressed a little less frequently.  I'm learning how to survive.  It's not easy.  But it's possible.

I don't think I would say "it gets better."  As far as things with Tim, I wouldn't necessarily say that's true.  Yes, we've figured out how to be friends, but I still have no clue what to do sometimes.  I still have no clue how to restrain myself from saying "I love you."  When I've said "I miss you" before, he hasn't known how to respond.  We're both having trouble.

It doesn't always get better.

But it gets possible.  Possible to survive instead of dying every day.

I'm still dying inside, bleeding to death because I miss him so much.  And I love him more and more every day.  It's impossible to stop.

But that's okay.  Because I can still survive.  I can still keep breathing and living on my own.

I truly believe that someday he and I will find a way back to each other.  In the meantime, I will just keep breathing.  And finding little ways to smile.

#thelittlethings