Need to be honest about something

Okay, so this has been bothering me for awhile.

I have this friend, this really great, amazing friend, that I love and that I would totally take a bullet for without a second thought.  I've done my best to always be there for her, to listen and respond, and to stick up for her to her stupid-ass, loser boyfriend that threw her heart on the ground and treated her like dirt.  I've done my best to be a good friend, in every way that I know how.

She never calls me one of her "best friends."  She acts like she loves me so much, but she never seems to want to say that anywhere publicly.  It's like, I'm a back-up friend to her.

And now...now she's hanging out with a guy who screwed me over.  She knows everything that happened between him and me.  She knows what a complete and total DOUCHE he is.  And trust me, he has NOT changed in the past year and a half.  But she's buddying up to him, acting like he's the great guy, and one of her closest friends.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME.

I don't understand what kind of "friend" does that.  I mean, I can't tell her who she can and can't be friends with.  I can't forbid her from hanging out with him.

But honestly, if I was in her shoes, I would NEVER hang out with this dude.  On the contrary, I'd punch him in his motherfucking tiny nuts.

I love her so much.  But what she's doing is really hurting me.  And I don't know how to tell her.  I don't know how to express my frustration.  I don't want her to feel like I'm being controlling or ungrateful or bitchy.

But that asshole fucked me up, to the point of me almost committing suicide.

Forgive me if I have a little trouble with someone I consider to be my close friend being nice to him.

This is bullshit.  And I'm pissed and hurt.

Goddamn.

#fuckmylife

Alright, so that didn't work out so well...

So, if you'll notice my last post, I was really craving dirty things.

Well, I tried some of that.  SUUUUUPER bad idea.

Got tipsy, made out with some guy I'd just met, let him get to second base with me.  Dumbest shit I've done in awhile.

I mean, it could have been worse.  I could have let him take my pants off.  I did not.  My pants stayed on, as well as all of his clothes.

Or, as Tim pointed out, I could have been raped, or killed, or sold into the sex trade.  I'd never met this guy before, and although I did ask people who knew him pretty well about his reputation, I still went to his off campus apartment alone and no one knew his address.  He could have rufied my drink and then god only knows what could have happened if he'd been a different kind of person.

As it was, he was a perv for assuming that kind of behavior was gonna happen that night. I'm a Bible college student, for crying out loud.

I'm still to blame, though.  I can't pin it all on that guy.  I was an idiot.  I should never have gone to his house.  I should never have had those couple of vodka sodas.  I should never have let him put his hands all over me.

Earlier that night, Tim and I had had a fight.  Like, a REALLY bad fight.  Super ugly, nasty, mean, regrettable fight.  About NOTHING.  It was stupid.  We're both idiots.  God.

But I was SO upset.  I wanted to loosen up.  The alcohol did help with that for a little while.  But then Gropey McHornyson decided he wanted to loosen me up further, and well, that was stupid.

This guy wasn't even good at it.  Like, he was worse than the first guy I ever fooled around with.  I couldn't decide if he was kissing me like a bird or a fish. O.o

Suffice it to say, I had to keep my eyes tight shut through the entire thing.

And you know what's the saddest part?

Through it all, all I could see was Tim's face.  I craved HIS touch, HIS kiss, HIS love.

See, what I've been missing, and what I thought I needed from someone else, was that physical connection Tim and I shared.

So even though this creepy dude SUCKED at everything he did to me, it felt kinda good.

It just didn't feel right.

I don't need that physical stuff.  Sometimes I feel like I do, because I miss Tim so much.  But I don't want to ruin the memory of him and me by fucking it all up with some loser I don't even know.

I felt so empty after Aspen (first guy I fooled around with before Tim).  It took a LONG ass time for me to feel better again after him.  I don't want to be stupid and do that ever again.

Alright, lessons learned?  I think so.

Also, when Tim gets some extra cash, he insists on buying me a rape whistle.  ;)  LAWL.

#nomorestupidshitcolleen

Honestly

Honestly, right now...

I just want to get wasted.

I just want to get high.

I just want to make out and have sex with someone hot.

I just want someone to tell me how sexy I am and all the dirty things they want to do to me, even if they leave in the morning and never love me.

I just want to be bad.