Alright, so that didn't work out so well...

So, if you'll notice my last post, I was really craving dirty things.

Well, I tried some of that.  SUUUUUPER bad idea.

Got tipsy, made out with some guy I'd just met, let him get to second base with me.  Dumbest shit I've done in awhile.

I mean, it could have been worse.  I could have let him take my pants off.  I did not.  My pants stayed on, as well as all of his clothes.

Or, as Tim pointed out, I could have been raped, or killed, or sold into the sex trade.  I'd never met this guy before, and although I did ask people who knew him pretty well about his reputation, I still went to his off campus apartment alone and no one knew his address.  He could have rufied my drink and then god only knows what could have happened if he'd been a different kind of person.

As it was, he was a perv for assuming that kind of behavior was gonna happen that night. I'm a Bible college student, for crying out loud.

I'm still to blame, though.  I can't pin it all on that guy.  I was an idiot.  I should never have gone to his house.  I should never have had those couple of vodka sodas.  I should never have let him put his hands all over me.

Earlier that night, Tim and I had had a fight.  Like, a REALLY bad fight.  Super ugly, nasty, mean, regrettable fight.  About NOTHING.  It was stupid.  We're both idiots.  God.

But I was SO upset.  I wanted to loosen up.  The alcohol did help with that for a little while.  But then Gropey McHornyson decided he wanted to loosen me up further, and well, that was stupid.

This guy wasn't even good at it.  Like, he was worse than the first guy I ever fooled around with.  I couldn't decide if he was kissing me like a bird or a fish. O.o

Suffice it to say, I had to keep my eyes tight shut through the entire thing.

And you know what's the saddest part?

Through it all, all I could see was Tim's face.  I craved HIS touch, HIS kiss, HIS love.

See, what I've been missing, and what I thought I needed from someone else, was that physical connection Tim and I shared.

So even though this creepy dude SUCKED at everything he did to me, it felt kinda good.

It just didn't feel right.

I don't need that physical stuff.  Sometimes I feel like I do, because I miss Tim so much.  But I don't want to ruin the memory of him and me by fucking it all up with some loser I don't even know.

I felt so empty after Aspen (first guy I fooled around with before Tim).  It took a LONG ass time for me to feel better again after him.  I don't want to be stupid and do that ever again.

Alright, lessons learned?  I think so.

Also, when Tim gets some extra cash, he insists on buying me a rape whistle.  ;)  LAWL.

#nomorestupidshitcolleen