Help, I have done it again

Old habits die hard.  But I forgot how good this feels.  How it takes away the internal pain.  It numbs my insides, so that I don't have to feel anything.  Just dead.  And feeling dead is easier than feeling that much pain.

I don't want to feel anything anymore.

Ever.

#nomorepain

What he couldn't say

You know I'm not one to break promises,
I don't want to hurt you but I need to breathe.
At the end of it all, you're still my best friend,
But there's something inside that I need to release.
Which way is right, which way is wrong,
How do I say that I need to move on?
You know we're heading separate ways.

And it feels like I am just too close to love you,
There's nothing I can really say.
I can't lie no more, I can't hide no more,
Got to be true to myself.
And it feels like I am just too close to love you,
So I'll be on my way.

You've given me more than I can return,
Yet there's oh so much that you deserve.
There's nothing to say, nothing to do.
I've nothing to give,
I must live without you.
You know we're heading separate ways.

And it feels like I am just too close to love you,
There's nothing I can really say.
I can't lie no more, I can't hide no more,
Got to be true to myself.
And it feels like I am just too close to love you,
So I'll be on my way.

So I'll be on my way.

And it feels like I am just too close to love you,
There's nothing that I can really say.
I can't lie no more, I can't hide no more,
Got to be true to myself.
And it feels like I am just too close to love you,
So I'll be on my way.

So I'll be on my way.
So I'll be on my way.

I was listening to this song the other day, and I realized...this is exactly what Tim was trying to articulate when he broke up with me.  That doesn't mean it's the end.  But right now in his life...this is how he feels.

Somehow, this song encourages me.  Just knowing that this is how he feels.  I can handle it.

I can't really describe it.  But it makes sense to me.

#littlethingsthathelp

Need to be honest about something

Okay, so this has been bothering me for awhile.

I have this friend, this really great, amazing friend, that I love and that I would totally take a bullet for without a second thought.  I've done my best to always be there for her, to listen and respond, and to stick up for her to her stupid-ass, loser boyfriend that threw her heart on the ground and treated her like dirt.  I've done my best to be a good friend, in every way that I know how.

She never calls me one of her "best friends."  She acts like she loves me so much, but she never seems to want to say that anywhere publicly.  It's like, I'm a back-up friend to her.

And now...now she's hanging out with a guy who screwed me over.  She knows everything that happened between him and me.  She knows what a complete and total DOUCHE he is.  And trust me, he has NOT changed in the past year and a half.  But she's buddying up to him, acting like he's the great guy, and one of her closest friends.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME.

I don't understand what kind of "friend" does that.  I mean, I can't tell her who she can and can't be friends with.  I can't forbid her from hanging out with him.

But honestly, if I was in her shoes, I would NEVER hang out with this dude.  On the contrary, I'd punch him in his motherfucking tiny nuts.

I love her so much.  But what she's doing is really hurting me.  And I don't know how to tell her.  I don't know how to express my frustration.  I don't want her to feel like I'm being controlling or ungrateful or bitchy.

But that asshole fucked me up, to the point of me almost committing suicide.

Forgive me if I have a little trouble with someone I consider to be my close friend being nice to him.

This is bullshit.  And I'm pissed and hurt.

Goddamn.

#fuckmylife

Alright, so that didn't work out so well...

So, if you'll notice my last post, I was really craving dirty things.

Well, I tried some of that.  SUUUUUPER bad idea.

Got tipsy, made out with some guy I'd just met, let him get to second base with me.  Dumbest shit I've done in awhile.

I mean, it could have been worse.  I could have let him take my pants off.  I did not.  My pants stayed on, as well as all of his clothes.

Or, as Tim pointed out, I could have been raped, or killed, or sold into the sex trade.  I'd never met this guy before, and although I did ask people who knew him pretty well about his reputation, I still went to his off campus apartment alone and no one knew his address.  He could have rufied my drink and then god only knows what could have happened if he'd been a different kind of person.

As it was, he was a perv for assuming that kind of behavior was gonna happen that night. I'm a Bible college student, for crying out loud.

I'm still to blame, though.  I can't pin it all on that guy.  I was an idiot.  I should never have gone to his house.  I should never have had those couple of vodka sodas.  I should never have let him put his hands all over me.

Earlier that night, Tim and I had had a fight.  Like, a REALLY bad fight.  Super ugly, nasty, mean, regrettable fight.  About NOTHING.  It was stupid.  We're both idiots.  God.

But I was SO upset.  I wanted to loosen up.  The alcohol did help with that for a little while.  But then Gropey McHornyson decided he wanted to loosen me up further, and well, that was stupid.

This guy wasn't even good at it.  Like, he was worse than the first guy I ever fooled around with.  I couldn't decide if he was kissing me like a bird or a fish. O.o

Suffice it to say, I had to keep my eyes tight shut through the entire thing.

And you know what's the saddest part?

Through it all, all I could see was Tim's face.  I craved HIS touch, HIS kiss, HIS love.

See, what I've been missing, and what I thought I needed from someone else, was that physical connection Tim and I shared.

So even though this creepy dude SUCKED at everything he did to me, it felt kinda good.

It just didn't feel right.

I don't need that physical stuff.  Sometimes I feel like I do, because I miss Tim so much.  But I don't want to ruin the memory of him and me by fucking it all up with some loser I don't even know.

I felt so empty after Aspen (first guy I fooled around with before Tim).  It took a LONG ass time for me to feel better again after him.  I don't want to be stupid and do that ever again.

Alright, lessons learned?  I think so.

Also, when Tim gets some extra cash, he insists on buying me a rape whistle.  ;)  LAWL.

#nomorestupidshitcolleen

Honestly

Honestly, right now...

I just want to get wasted.

I just want to get high.

I just want to make out and have sex with someone hot.

I just want someone to tell me how sexy I am and all the dirty things they want to do to me, even if they leave in the morning and never love me.

I just want to be bad.

Pretty content with life for now

You know what?  Life is pretty great.  It really is.

That doesn't mean I don't miss the past.  That doesn't mean I don't cry and hurt from having to let those memories go.  That doesn't mean I'm always happy, or that I'm always okay.  I don't always even have the attitude I'm writing with in this post.

But some days are great.  Some days have hidden joys in them, that distract me from the pain and make me smile.

I'm not over Tim.  I will never be over Tim.  You never get over your first love, and you never stop wanting him back.

If he asked me, I'd come back to him in a heartbeat.  I'd marry him in the blink of an eye.  I'd die for him.  That fact will NEVER change.

I will never feel like I'm "better off without him" or like I can just "move on."

But I can figure out how to live on my own for awhile.  I can figure out how to look for happiness whenever and wherever I can.

Don't tell me to forget him.  Don't tell me to stop talking to him.  Just like our relationship wasn't like any regular relationship, our breakup wasn't like any regular breakup either.  Don't you tell me how to deal with this, because YOU DON'T KNOW.

But I'm telling you here...I'm learning how to deal with this.  I'm learning how to smile sometimes.  I'm learning how to cry a little less often, be depressed a little less frequently.  I'm learning how to survive.  It's not easy.  But it's possible.

I don't think I would say "it gets better."  As far as things with Tim, I wouldn't necessarily say that's true.  Yes, we've figured out how to be friends, but I still have no clue what to do sometimes.  I still have no clue how to restrain myself from saying "I love you."  When I've said "I miss you" before, he hasn't known how to respond.  We're both having trouble.

It doesn't always get better.

But it gets possible.  Possible to survive instead of dying every day.

I'm still dying inside, bleeding to death because I miss him so much.  And I love him more and more every day.  It's impossible to stop.

But that's okay.  Because I can still survive.  I can still keep breathing and living on my own.

I truly believe that someday he and I will find a way back to each other.  In the meantime, I will just keep breathing.  And finding little ways to smile.

#thelittlethings

I guess I can do this

Maybe I can handle this.  Maybe I can live without him for now after all.

Honestly, it's been at a point lately where even if I fully believe that he'll be mine again someday (which I do), it's nearly impossible for me to even survive until then.  I've been feeling like I need him *now*, I have to have him back, I can't live any longer without him.

But I can.  Yes, it's more like half a life.  A shadow of what I once was.  But at least I'm surviving.  Step by step, I'm getting through the days.  With slightly less crippling pain in my heart, because he's still my friend, and that helps.  He still cares, even though he is horrible at showing that sometimes.

I know he cares.  I think I'm learning more about him right now than I ever did in all the time we were together.  Because it's less about me now.  It's about his well being.  I have to focus on his well being, because that's why he's gone.  To focus on his own well being.

So I can stop focusing on myself so much and focus on his happiness, his needs.

I can be okay.

I can do this.

#feelingalittlestronger

He speaks!

So he finally talked to me.  Of his own decision.  Pretty cool.

I've been giving him space since my birthday last week (which he didn't even seem to acknowledge, I might add--not even a simple "happy birthday"!).  We got in this big fight about how I didn't get to see him when he was on vacation down here where I'm going to school.  It was dumb.  He refused to see me, even though I was literally 20 minutes away from where he was.  It hurt and it was stupid.

But we resolved our fight and moved on.  And I didn't talk to him after that.  I was pretty sure he would just never speak to me again.  He's not great at initiating conversations.

Until this afternoon...

He messaged me on gchat!  Of his own free will!  It's kind of pathetic how happy it made me, actually.  I'm like...ecstatic.  Even though I've been really sick today (throwing up since before I made my last blog post), that little bit of interaction made me feel so much better, at least emotionally.

Maybe he still does care.

And he assured me that those bitches I was complaining about before are not a concern.  He's not gonna hook-up with anyone.  That's not an option.

THANK.  GOD.

I feel so much better.

#thingsarelookingup

When bitches come out to feed

It's been all of a month and a half since the love of my life said "I think right now we should just be friends."  Since my world fell apart and I lost the love I loved the most.

Already, the vultures have descended.  Slowly, but surely, they're coming out of the shadows with their lip gloss smiles.  Little comments on his Facebook posts, little insinuations that he's just SO funny and they just GET him.

Bitch, please.  More like they want to GET in his motherfucking PANTS.

Now, I'm not gonna lie, this makes me really upset.  I can't deny the jealousy and the frustration and the outright pain from seeing them lurking.  I don't know how to share him.  I mean, I gave him EVERYTHING I had.  I gave him my entire heart, my entire soul, my entire life's breath, my virginity, my time and energy and money.  And I don't want some other slut coming along to try to bang him.  Especially when they're some skank-ass, fat-ass, ugly bitch.

BITCH, ain't NOBODY can sex that man like me.  Trust me.  I blew his mind, and he never quit reminding me that I was the best he EVER had in every way.

Damn straight.

But what pisses me off more than feeling like the hoebags are swarming around the love of my life, smelling his freshly single blood...

...is that he needs to go through sexual healing.  That was a struggle we had in our relationship.  He had never realized how beautiful, emotional, and truly metaphysical sex could be until he met me.  Until we shared in the sweetest of love-making.  The most heavenly of trysts.  And that threw him for a loop.  At one point in our relationship, he had to stop having sex with me altogether, because he suddenly realized that all his years of treating sex like a recreational drug had scarred him and made him feel completely empty inside.  Years of having meaningless, bad sex with MOFO BITCH SKANKS like the ones chasing him right now, finally caught up with him and he doesn't want that anymore.

HE NEEDS TO HEAL.  LET THE MAN HEAL, HOES.

Goddamn.  These dick-hungry motherfuckers are what made him like this.  So fucked up emotionally.  And now they won't leave him alone again.

I guess, if I'm gonna be real honest wit u...

I'm afraid he'll be weak, and cave in to their relentless persuasion.  I don't want that for him.  Granted, I'm being selfish, and I don't want him having flings right now because I'm pretty sure he and I are gonna get back together one day, and when we do, I don't want to have had some whores gotten anywhere near his dick in the meantime.

But even forgetting about myself, I really just don't want that for him anymore.  I know it will completely trip him up if he does that shit again.

In the end, it's completely in his hands.  He's the only one in charge of himself, not me.  I don't get to control him.  I didn't before, I certainly don't now.  I don't get to tell those skank-ass bitches to fuck off.  And I don't get to tell him to keep them at bay.

But GODDAMN I want to.  This sucks balls.

I hate dem bitches.

There.  I said it.

I hate them.

#truestory