Pretty content with life for now

You know what?  Life is pretty great.  It really is.

That doesn't mean I don't miss the past.  That doesn't mean I don't cry and hurt from having to let those memories go.  That doesn't mean I'm always happy, or that I'm always okay.  I don't always even have the attitude I'm writing with in this post.

But some days are great.  Some days have hidden joys in them, that distract me from the pain and make me smile.

I'm not over Tim.  I will never be over Tim.  You never get over your first love, and you never stop wanting him back.

If he asked me, I'd come back to him in a heartbeat.  I'd marry him in the blink of an eye.  I'd die for him.  That fact will NEVER change.

I will never feel like I'm "better off without him" or like I can just "move on."

But I can figure out how to live on my own for awhile.  I can figure out how to look for happiness whenever and wherever I can.

Don't tell me to forget him.  Don't tell me to stop talking to him.  Just like our relationship wasn't like any regular relationship, our breakup wasn't like any regular breakup either.  Don't you tell me how to deal with this, because YOU DON'T KNOW.

But I'm telling you here...I'm learning how to deal with this.  I'm learning how to smile sometimes.  I'm learning how to cry a little less often, be depressed a little less frequently.  I'm learning how to survive.  It's not easy.  But it's possible.

I don't think I would say "it gets better."  As far as things with Tim, I wouldn't necessarily say that's true.  Yes, we've figured out how to be friends, but I still have no clue what to do sometimes.  I still have no clue how to restrain myself from saying "I love you."  When I've said "I miss you" before, he hasn't known how to respond.  We're both having trouble.

It doesn't always get better.

But it gets possible.  Possible to survive instead of dying every day.

I'm still dying inside, bleeding to death because I miss him so much.  And I love him more and more every day.  It's impossible to stop.

But that's okay.  Because I can still survive.  I can still keep breathing and living on my own.

I truly believe that someday he and I will find a way back to each other.  In the meantime, I will just keep breathing.  And finding little ways to smile.

#thelittlethings